


It's Cold Beneath the Surface

by wowiloveart



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Daddy!Alec, Drowning, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, Hugs, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, Hypothermia, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mental Health Issues, My first fic, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Papa!Magnus, Parents Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Protective Alec Lightwood, Protective Magnus Bane, Self-Hatred, Sorry Not Sorry, Violence, Worried Alec Lightwood, Worried Magnus Bane, alec and magnus aren't the ones getting hurt, hurt max lightwood-bane, hurt rafael lightwood-bane, ignore errors, it's the children, malec kids, tags are out of order
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-03-23 19:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13794276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wowiloveart/pseuds/wowiloveart
Summary: There's four things he realizes when he comes to. One of them is that it's cold. Very cold.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my first fanfic! I used to write on Fanfiction.net but I stopped writing for a couple of years. This idea came into my mind after I dream I had one night and I just felt I had to write it. I'm new to uploading and making new stories on this platform so bear with me as I try to figure it out. This fic has a lot of angst by the way. If you don't like it, don't read it.

The first thing he realized was that he was floating.

That didn’t make sense. Why was he floating? There was solid ground beneath him just a few moments ago. Solid ground doesn’t just disappear out of nowhere. Was it going to come back? It had to, there’s always ground somewhere. He liked solid ground, it was always right there underneath his feet. Where did it go in the first place? It couldn’t have gone anywhere, ground doesn’t move. Ground  _ can’t _ move.

Second thing he realized:  _ he _ can’t move either.

Somewhat. He had the ability to move, he knew that; nothing was constricting him from moving, but his muscles seemed to be acting against him.  _ They _ didn’t want to move. But why was that? He wasn’t sick, he wasn’t injured, there shouldn’t be anything-

Third thing he realized: it was cold. Scratch that… it was  _ beyond freezing _ .

Why was it so cold? He didn’t remember going anywhere for it to be cold. He was in the loft… yes, he was in the loft a moment ago. It was warm in the loft. He was wrapped in a blanket on the couch, and the Chairman was curled in a ball next to him, his nose slightly twitching as he slept. The whole day had been peaceful, and he had been enjoying a peculiar conversation about how marshmallows might have been invented with-

A voice interrupted his slightly blurred thoughts. A voice, though muffled, was crying out for him. Not crying, no,  _ wailing  _ for him. The voice was full of agony. He knew that voice… that was  _ Max’s _ voice.

What was wrong with Max? Max was okay, right? He could go check and see if he was alright, if only his damn limbs would move and whatever clogging his ears wouldn’t make things so muff-

Fourth thing he realized: it was wet. His ears were wet. His ears were clogged with water.

Everything came back to him like being hit with a brick wall. The two of them in the loft having a strange debate about marshmallows, noticing their parents had been out on patrol for way too long, dressing in warm clothes and throwing on gear, running around Brooklyn, finding their parents, Uncle Jace, and Aunt Izzy and Clary fighting off a swarm of demons above what appeared to be a thick sheet on ice in the ground, him and Max bursting in to assist the patrol, the last few demons being finished off, the ice cracking under Max, him running and pushing Max out of the way just in time before-

Rafe’s eyes shot open.

Max was going to fall through the ice.

He saved Max.

_ He fell through the ice _ .

He was under the ice in freezing cold water, and had blacked out momentarily.

_ He was drowning _ .

The cold water stung his eyes, stung everything. He could feel a powerful burning sensation throughout his entire body. Each pore on his skin felt like a tiny needle was poked through down to the bone. He let out a cry under the water, and immediately regretted it. Water gushed into his mouth, burned his throat, and flooded his lungs. He went into a coughing fit, only making the situation worse: trying to keep water out but involuntarily getting more in. His body was screaming at him in protest, the coldness destroying him from the outside.  _ Get out, get out, GET OUT. _ his mind was screaming. He forced his head back in order to look upward at the ice. Water flooded his nose and burned his nostrils. He coughed the water out through his mouth and ended up trying to get air in his heavy lungs again. Forcing his throat to stop acting against him, he shakily looked back at the wall keeping him under the water. He was about three feet from the ice. Whining under the water, tears somehow spilling from his eyes, Rafe forced his way upward. He could still hear Max’s wails for his brother.  _ Max is hurt. Get out of the water. Max needs you _ . His arms and legs slowly swam him upward, but  _ fuck  _ did it hurt, and the force of the freezing water wasn’t helping the matter either. Rafe’s vision was so blurred he didn’t see the ice coming closer as he swam upward. His forehead made contact with a muffled  _ bang _ . His eyes darted over the ice, trying to see where the light shined through, where he fell through. He needed air, he needed it  _ so bad _ . He could feel the water sitting in his lungs. He was forcing himself not to cough it up, and it was fucking painful. His head whipped back and forth, only to find no ray of sun or light or anything. Rafe’s panic grew. There was no hole to go back up through. And only one thing filled his mind.  _ He was going to die. _

Rafe forced his arm upward and banged on the ice with his fist, attempting to crack it and break through. His fingernails absentmindedly dug into his palm and drew blood. The blood mingled with the treacherous water and danced in front of his eyes.  _ Fuck, _ he cursed in his head. Here he was trying to get away from harm and only causing more on himself. Rafe tried punching different spots, only to find no weak points in the ice. Black spots danced onto his vision.  _ No no no no no no, _ he panicked. He didn’t want to die. A Shadowhunter was expected to die in battle one day, yes, but not like this. Not fifteen years old, having barely done anything to help advance the Shadow World, let alone slay nearly as many demons as his dad. What was going to happen to him, if he did end up drowning? What would happen to his family? He wouldn’t be there to protect them. What about Max? Rafe and his brother were so close. Max would be absolutely crushed if Rafe died. He let out a wail under the water. He didn’t want to leave his family,  _ fuck _ , he was trying so hard, but the hypothermia and lack of oxygen was taking its toll on his body. Rafe’s kicks and punches became less vigorous. The wounds already present from the battle stung unbearably. His lungs were screaming. His limbs were aching. His eyes burned and were becoming more and more clouded with black spots.

And suddenly everything gave out at once. Water filled his lungs like a dam being blown. His muscles clenched so tightly he couldn’t move at all. And right before everything went black, Rafe used everything left in him to give one final kick and felt his foot puncture the ice.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafe is dead. It's your fault. It should have been you.  
> Max couldn't breathe anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! School's an ass, I'll try to post quicker next time! Also the ending is kind of rushed, so sorry if it seems less detailed than the rest of the chapter.  
> Now we see what happens next...

He knew it was a bad idea to insist on going to find their dads. He knew it was a bad idea to leave the loft. He knew there was a good chance something bad would happen. Still, Max couldn’t ignore the fact his family might be in harm’s way. It was a quick fight he and Rafe had, Max winning of course. They quickly dressed for the cold weather, Rafe with his “signature” black jacket and a dark gray scarf with leather gloves, Max with a stylish dark blue long coat, black scarf, and thick black gloves. The two left in a hurry, Max sealing the wards behind him. He was lucky Papa had given him access to the wards, otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to put them up as he left.

It shouldn’t have been hard to track their parents, but the signal was blocked due to the cold weather. The two rushed into action as soon as they saw the growing number of demons and the entire family, not just Dad and Papa, being surrounded quickly, not even caring that the fight was happening on an unstable sheet of ice. There were several shouts of protests that erupted, saying it was too dangerous for Max and Rafael to be there, that they could get hurt, etc. Neither of them cared if it meant they would protect their family.

It had been a long fight and fatigue was showing on everyone. Aunt Izzy and Uncle Jace took out the last few demons on their side. Max was left with one final demon, a tall one that oozed like a gusher and stood like a boulder. A strong blast of magic was all it took for him to burst into oblivion. Inhaling deep breaths, Max’s posture slipped and he rested his hands on his knees. Using so much magic left him weak and dizzy. He was so drained he didn’t even feel the cracks growing beneath his feet.

He had heard the sound, yes. _That’s not the ice,_ his disoriented brain told him. _They’re just finishing off some demons._ He hadn’t heard Rafe yell his name. He hadn’t felt the water that grew underneath his feet and stained his shoes. Max went to take a step forward and instead was propelled four feet ahead from a shove behind him and landed rather ungracefully onto his side. Blinking, Max tried to process what happened, even with his mind boggled from exhaustion.

He blinked once. There was a large misshapen hole in the ice.

He blinked twice. There was a dark mass in the water where the hole was.

He blinked thrice. Rafe wasn’t on the ice with him.

And that’s when it clicked.

His body froze. His chest tightened. His lungs closed. His throat closed. His blood froze in his veins. He felt himself lose control of his magic, his glamour falling, his purple magic crackling at his fingertips, once a loving shade of lavender, now a deadly shade of mulberry poison.

Rafe pushed him out of the way to save him.

Rafe was in the water.

_Rafe was going to die_.

“ _RAFA!!_ ” Max let the wail flood from his lips. His family turned around all at once, looked at the ice, and knew. Alec and Magnus were the first to realize, their faces a pure mixture of too many emotions all at once. They were the first to dash to the opening, Uncle Jace, Aunt Izzy, and Aunt Clary not too far behind, but Max had already scrambled to his feet and nearly dove himself into the water as well. His arm reached out into the cold abyss, trying to grab onto his brother, but somehow he had drifted along out of Max’s reach. All the while he sobbed out his brother’s name, the tears forming fast and hot on his face.

Magnus grabbed Max by the back of the jacket and yanked him, his now frozen arm breaking free into the cold winter air. “ _Don’t!_ ” he half scolded half begged. He wouldn’t have been able to bear the knowledge of both his sons plunging to their deaths in freezing water, but Magnus couldn’t find the words. And all Max could see in his eyes was fury and agony. He shrunk back with a loud whimper, his breaths now coming out in short pants.

Alec’s eyes darted over the ice, trying to find the outline of his son who for all he knew could have drowned by now. “Spread out!” he yelled, trying to be assertive to those around him but his command coming out like a plea. The group darted outwards in different directions, all calling out for Rafael. Max remained where he was. He couldn’t move. He was paralyzed with fear. Gulping, Max lifted himself off of the ground and looked at the alliance rune carved into his right hand. He traced a shaking finger over the rune, trying to ignite it with his magic, trying to send his magic through the bond in hopes of keeping Rafe from drowning or freezing. But the bond was weak. Though it was only an alliance rune, Max would still be able to feel what Rafe felt, both physical and emotional, yet not as strong as a parabatai bond. Max could only feel a dull pain all over his body, and he knew Rafe was feeling more than that. He kept trying, clenching his teeth even harder each time it didn’t work. Suddenly uncontrolled sparks flew from his finger and scorched his palm. Max cried out only for a quick second before holding his breath to suppress it. His palm was now burned and bleeding, the rune being hindered from his sight. Max didn’t even know if it was there anymore. He couldn’t feel Rafe at all.

Magic crackled at his hands. The magic at his right hand sputtered and popped, the injury preventing it from being properly channeled. It was painful, fuck, it hurt like _hell_ , but Max didn’t care. He deserved it, after all. Rafe was going to die and it was all his fault.

More tears flowed from his eyes and Max broke out into sobs. His legs failed to take him anywhere and all he could do was cry out his brother’s name. He put his face in his hands, the magic pinching and scratching and burning his cheeks, his forehead, his eyes, his horns. He sobbed harder.

It could have been seconds or hours or weeks that the team before him searched the ice like wild mice. Max had no concept of time. A part of his soul felt like it was missing. He couldn’t even _begin_ to imagine what life would be life without Rafael. Every morning Rafe would wake him up. They all ate breakfast together as a family. Rafe spent most days at the Institute training and Max was taught at the loft. Every Friday, Magnus would allow Max to head over to the Institute where Rafe and him would spar. They were quite the duo, and Alec had said if Max was a shadowhunter Rafe and him would make the perfect parabatai. And after some haggling with the Clave, the brothers had permission to use the alliance rune in place of a parabatai rune. Together they became just as strong as parabatai. When they were allowed on missions together, even though it was always small, they fought together as one. Their movements were always in sync. Rafe had taught Max some useful shadowhunter skills and Max had taught Rafe some magic. A few things had been destroyed around the loft accidentally but Rafe was making surprisingly good progress, as Magnus had said. When neither of them were busy, the brothers would practice making small animals out of magic, Max’s lavender and Rafe’s a silvery shade of peach. They would always end up with creatures of all sorts flying and darting around the room and they would have a good laugh about that. They were always making each other laugh, keeping each other company, just being happy together… and suddenly something just _shattered_ inside him. Rafe hadn’t come back up through the ice. They couldn’t find him. And that’s when he realized…

_Rafe is dead._

He swallowed thickly.

_Rafe is dead._

He slowly brought his hands away from his face, the magic slowly fizzing out.

_Rafe is dead._

Black spots danced around his vision and threatened to engulf him.

_Rafe is dead._

Breathe in.

_Rafe is dead._

Breathe out.

_It’s your fault._

Breathe.

_Rafe is dead._

_It’s your fault._

_Rafe is dead._

_It’s your fault._

_Rafe is dead._

_It’s your fault._

Max couldn’t breathe anymore.

_It should have been you._

_It should have been you._

_It should have been you._

And that’s when it happened.

Everything went quiet when they heard the ice crack. Their eyes darted wildly, trying to find the source, until they saw it. Rafe’s foot puncturing the ice and limply hooking itself across it. It slowly slid back towards the abyss.

Hope flared inside Max.

_Rafe is alive._

Max was the first to cry out and break into a run. However his legs were weak and his knees gave out three steps into the run. He collapsed back onto the ice, trying to support himself on his elbows. His vision was blurring and he couldn’t seem to get him limbs to move.

Magnus used his magic to tear the ice around Rafe and create a hole big enough for his body to get through. It took everyone to get him out. They laid him out on the ice. He was unconscious and his body was _so pale_ . His lips and fingers were blue. He was shaking so hard Max thought he was having a seizure in his sleep. Magnus’s magic flared to life as he tried desperately to raise Rafe’s body temperature. Alec didn’t move, his eyes wide and glossy and far away. He wasn’t processing what was happening. Realizing his brother wasn’t going to move, Jace scrambled forward and began to perform CPR on Rafe. It was when the first rib cracked that Alec snapped out of it. He lurched forward, his intention to push his brother off his child. “ _Stop_!” he yelled. He wasn’t going to let anyone else, not even his parabatai, harm his son anymore. But Isabelle was quick and pulled him into her arms. She stroked the back of his head, murmuring words to calm him down, trying to explain this was the only way to push out the water. Alec’s breathing became heavier but he refused to let tears fall, instead clung to his sister like if he let go, he would lose his mind.

Max watched as Jace gave him compressions and attempted to breathe oxygen into his brother. Again. And again. And again. But nothing was happening. So Jace kept going, adding more compressions, cracking more ribs, supplying more air. Everyone was crying at this point. Everyone would be devastated if they couldn’t get Rafe breathing again. Max’s desperation overtook him, and suddenly his magic surged forward. It scrambled like rats across the ice and poured into Rafe’s body. His magic searched and scrutinized, hoping he could latch onto something, anything. Everything his magic found was something out of his healing power, and Max could feel his hopefulness sinking. Until he felt something. Without thinking, he directed all of his magic and power into that one thing. And with a wrangled cry, he thrusted his arm upward.

As Max collapsed onto the ice yards away, Rafe’s body lurched upward, water shooting out of his mouth and nose. Alec detached himself from his sister and Magnus’s magic stopped as they both rushed forward and turned their son over, letting him cough up all the water in his system, keeping him close as possible to them. They were afraid if he wasn’t within their reach, he’d be dying all over again. When Rafe’s coughs turned to forced pants, Magnus spoke up. “We need to get him back to the loft and call Catarina.” he said, heart hammering his rib cage. “My magic isn’t warming him enough.”

Alec could only nod, for he didn’t trust his voice to break in replying. Gently but quickly, he scooped Rafe into his arms. He didn’t expect his son to wail out in pain, and the sound made his heart break. “Hu-urts!” he cried. He opened his mouth to tell Magnus to make a portal, but Clary already had one ready and waiting for them all. The couple ran towards the portal, only to stop dead in their tracks when they heard Rafael stutter out a tiny word. “Ma-ah-ax.”

Everyone spun around, realizing they had somehow forgotten about Max. The bones in Magnus’ and Alec’s bodies froze as they saw Max laying on the ice, breaths coming in short gasps, his eyes wide and dazed, crackling magic leaking from his hands, his skin scorched in several spots from where his magic hurt himself. It shattered their souls to see the dried tear streaks on his face.

Izzy, realizing neither of the two men could find it in their hearts to move, ran over to Max and knelt beside him, turning his head to look at her. “Max, look at me.” she said softly. Wide blue eyes met worried brown ones. “I need you to calm down, okay?” She spoke in a loving voice, stroking her thumb across his cheek soothingly. “We’re going to go back to the loft and fix Rafael, but he needs you. Can you calm down for me?” Max gulped and licked his lips before nodding, his voice long gone. Izzy placed her hands on his elbows, for there was still dangerous magic near his hands, and she helped him stand on the ice. Max’s legs wobbled as he struggled to keep himself upright. She wrapped her arm around him to keep him from stumbling. Nodding to his fathers, she pulled him forward into the portal.

“Max!” he heard Rafe cry out for him, his voice so full of pain that as the world warped around him, Max’s heart plummeted to the floor. And he thought to himself with a sickness rising in his stomach,

_It_ was _supposed to be me_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't really think I would kill Rafe, did you?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Max, what's going on?" he said, terrified.  
> "You need to wake up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I am SO SO SO sorry for taking to long to update! I had serious writer's block and didn't have any motivation to write until a couple of days ago. I apologize if this chapter seems rushed. I had a serious burst of motivation today, which is why I'm updating this story at 3 in the morning. Rafe says some Spanish phrases/sentences in here, which I used Google Translate for, so I apologize if they are wrong! If you know Spanish and would like to kindly correct me in the comments, feel free to do so and I'll make corrections!  
> Again I am sorry for updating so late. I will try to update sooner. I sound like a broken record, but I promise you all I'm trying!

Rafe was unhappily awoken from his peaceful sleep when he felt a large mass crawl onto his bed. Without opening his eyes, he grumpily turned and buried his face in his pillow.

“Rafa.” he heard the lump whimper.

He groaned into his pillow. “Max, go back to bed.”

“I’m scared.”

“There are no demons under your bed, Max. Raj is just a jerk.”

“ _Rafa!_ ” Max sounded like he was about to cry. He got on his knees and shook Rafe’s arm with his tiny hands.

Rafe turned his head towards his brother and shooed Max’s hands away without opening his eyes. “Go sleep in your own bed. We’re in the same room!” He turned his head the opposite direction of his brother. “If anything happens I’ll be here.”

Max didn’t move from his spot on the bed for a few moments. And then suddenly he wasn’t there at all.

Rafe opened his eyes. “Max?” he murmured.

“...Rafe?”

Rafe shot up as his brother’s thirteen year old form replaced his seven year old one, no longer in his pajamas but fully dressed for cold weather. He stood a few feet from the bed, a terrified expression plastered on his face. Rafe scrambled out of bed, not even registering the fact he was no longer a nine year old boy but a fifteen year old shadowhunter in full gear. “ _Max?_ ” The panic in Rafe’s voice grew.

“Rafe, please, you need to wake up.”

“What?” He took a step back. The bed wasn’t there anymore.

“You need to wake up.” Dark circles grew as Max’s eyes became dull and lifeless.

“Max, what are you talking about?” Rafe’s took a step forward and reached out a shaky hand.

“You need to wake up.”

“I don’t understand.” His hand came up to cup the side of his brother’s face.

“You need to wake up.”

Rafe scanned his brother’s face, worry edged into his face. Max’s skin paled from it’s normal shade of blue. His horns seemed to be flaking. His hair looked thinner. His lips seemed to chap right in front of his eyes. “Max, what’s going on?” he said, terrified.

“You need to wake up.” The warlock’s voice seemed to be on repeat.

“Max, _please_ ,” Rafe cried, close to tears. “what’s happening? Talk to m-”

His sentence was cut short as he was suddenly pulled back by an unexisting force and a demon’s claw burst straight through Max’s heart from behind. Blood exploded from the wound and splattered against Rafe. A soundless scream erupted from his throat. The ichor-covered claw hooked itself around Max’s tense frame and yanked him backwards into the infinite blackness growing in the room.

“ _Max!_ ” Rafe yelled. His heart felt like it was going to burst from his chest. He propelled himself forward into the black void and chased after his brother. However his brother didn’t seem to be getting closer and the void didn’t seem any closer to ending. He kept running, though. “Hang on Max!” he yelled through huffs of breaths. Rafe ran as fast as he could. He had no sense of time. He had no clue if he was even getting any closer, but he kept running. He couldn’t let the demon win. He had to save his brother. He had to protect him. He had to-

The ground disappeared under Rafe’s feet.

He screamed against the air that pushed against him as he fell down, down, down into the never-ending nothingness. Nothing but pure darkness. Rafe flailed around, searching for something- _anything_ -that he could grab hold to. But there was nothing. Hot tears spilled from his eyes and disappeared upward with the wind that still roared around him. “ _¡Ayúdeme!_ ” Rafe wailed against the roar of the wind. He pinched his eyes shut as more tears flowed. “¡Dad, Papa, Max, _alguien_ _!_ ¡Estoy asustado, ayúdeme por favor! _¡Por favor!_ ” Regretfully he opened his eyes and looked below him. A large body of water was casting light upward. It was a lake, and it was coming up on him fast. Rafe’s eyes scrambled across the water and looked for a floor that he would painfully hit when he plummeted into the water, but the liquid seemed too opaque to see through. As the water got closer, the air temperature dropped and the unmistakable sound of demons filled his ears through the screaming wind. And that’s when the realization dawned on him. Rafe screamed as he hit the surface of the lake, the same lake he drowned in.

Rafe’s body lurched upward off the floor of the loft. He screamed.

“He’s awake!” someone yelled, but he couldn’t place the voice. When he was in the water, it felt like a thousand ice-cold knives stabbing him all over, but _dios_ , now Rafe felt like his entire body was being cut open with torched red-hot knives. His eyes were blown wide but everything he saw was blurred with pain. He writhed in agony, attempting to get away whatever stream of magic coursing over his body and torturing him.

“It hurts! _¡Hazlo parar!_ ” Rafe wailed.

“Hold him down!” the same voice yelled. A pair of hands came down on each of his arms. The fingers’ grip tightened and help him in place. The contact felt like pins and needles amplified twenty times.

“ _No!_ Por favor, _get off_ _!_ It hurts! ¡Hazlo parar, por favor, _hazlo parar!_ ” Rafe thrashed against the hands and continued to scream.

“Rafael, _shh_ , hey, listen to me.” a new voice murmured in Spanish next to his ear. A soothing stream of magic pulsed from the hands of the voice. Rafe’s screaming quieted and his attempts to push the hands away ceased, but his breathing remained in painful spurts. One of the hands came up to caress his face. More pain-relieving magic coursed through his body by the touch. Tears escaped from the corners of Rafe’s eyes and hit the floor.

“Papa,” he whimpered.

“Shh, it’s okay, hijo, it’s okay.” Magnus ran his fingers through his son’s hair. “It’ll be over soon. It’s okay, it’s okay. Sleep now, we’ll be here when you wake up.”

Rafe let his father’s magic pull him under. He did not dream this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations (again, I used Google Translate, so they may not be right):  
> ¡Ayúdeme! - Help me!  
> Alguien - Someone  
> Estoy asustado - I'm scared  
> Por favor - Please  
> Dios - God  
> ¡Hazlo parar! - Make it stop!  
> Hijo - Son


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath.

Alec hadn’t moved from his spot in the chair.

He’d been sitting in the same spot next to Magnus’ and his bed for the past two hours. He hadn’t taken his eyes off his son, either. Almost losing his eldest child had put him in a state of panic he was only just now coming down from. He sat in the chair bent over, his elbows on his knees and fingers curled into a fist his chin was resting on. His gear and heavier clothing had been thrown across the room hastily. Alec sighed and placed his head in his hands. He was still shaking from earlier. The horror of almost losing his eldest son was something he was never going to get over, not after a previous close encounter of losing his youngest. Both were images he would never be able to unsee. This one, however, was much scarier. Jace trying to push life into Rafe’s figure, his body laying unmoving across the ice, his pale, frozen complexion, his ice-cold body-

Alec flinched when a hand was suddenly placed on his shoulder. He looked up to see his husband with his lips turned up in a small smile, but his eyes shining with worry. “Didn’t mean to startle you.” said Magnus.

He turned back to Rafe, this time leaning back in the cushion of the chair and wrapping his arms around himself. “‘s fine.” he mumbled.

Magnus stood in silence for a few moments before he bent over, wrapping his arms across Alec’s shoulders and resting his cheek in his hair. Alec closed his eyes and sighed, taking in the comfort his husband was providing. “He’ll be okay.” Magnus whispered into Alec’s hair.

“I know.” Alec whispered back. “I just…” He paused, trying to figure out what he wanted to say. There was so much on his mind. “I’m just… I’m… I’m scared that I’ll leave and he’ll…”

“I get it.” Magnus’s grip tightened slightly. “I’m worried as well.”

Magnus stepped down onto his knees and placed his head on Alec’s shoulder, closing the space between them as much as possible. Alec brought his hands up and closed them around Magnus’s arms, hugging him back. Neither of them said anything as they stayed that way for what seemed like hours, each of them finding safety in each other. However the moment was broken when Magnus shifted slightly. “Alexander?”

“Hm?”

Alec felt Magnus move around front to face him. He then felt a pair of hands cupping his face and thumbs gently wiping his cheeks. “Alexander, darling…”

Alec opened his eyes and realized they were wet. When had he started crying?

“S-sorry.” He sat up quickly and harshly wiped at his wet face, ushering Magnus’s hands away. He realized his tears had probably dripped onto Magnus’s shirt.

“It’s okay- Alexan- hey liste- Alec  _ stop _ .” Magnus said forcefully but not unkindly. He grabbed Alec’s hands before he rubbed his face raw. “Look at me.” Alec eyes slowly found Magnus’s, hazel orbs meeting now golden cat-eyed ones. It was then he noticed his husband’s eyes shone with unshed tears. “It’s okay for you to cry, darling. It was terrifying, I know. Please don’t hide your emotions, darling. Especially around me.”

Alec sniffed, his lower lip trembling. “I…” he croaked, his voice shaking. He tried again, but couldn’t seem to get his voice to work. Magnus pulled him into a hug, and the dam broke. For the first time since they portaled back Alec let himself go, sobbing into his husband’s shoulder. He clutched onto Magnus like a lifeline. Seconds later he felt Magnus’s tears stain his own shirt. Magnus ran his fingers through the back of Alec’s hair, comforting him as best as he could in that moment. They stayed like that for a period of time neither of them kept track of, because both of them knew they just needed to let it out.

Some time later Alec’s cries died down to sniffles. Both men were still embracing each other when Alec felt a hand on his shoulder. He opened his eyes and tilted his head slightly to see Izzy standing with a worried and sympathetic look on her face. Jace and Catarina stood behind her. “Hermano,” Izzy murmured. “it’ll be okay.”

Alec nodded, hesitantly pulling back from Magnus.

“Rafe’s a tough kid.” Jace said. “He’ll be fine.” Alec gave a weak smile towards his brother.

Alec sighed and put his head back in his hands. “Thanks for the comfort,” he said. “I just…” He fought to keep more tears at bay. “We’re the ones who have been fighting demons longer, yet it’s our son that gets hurt. He shouldn’t have even been out there, neither of them! Why were Max and Rafe out there in the first place?” Alec cried, no real anger behind his voice.

“They were probably worried.” Izzy said. “We’d been out there for a while, the demons just kept showing up-“

“But they should have stayed at the loft!” Alec shot out of the chair. “We  _ told _ them to stay at the loft!”

“Alexander-“ Magnus started, getting off the ground.

“Alec, listen, I get you’re upset—we all are—but listen, Max and Rafe aren’t kids anymore.” Jace cut in, not unkindly. “Both of them are old enough to hunt and go on patrols. Heck, we started earlier than them. Things happen sometimes, and yes we get hurt or upset or whatever else, but we can’t change that.”

Alec let out a long breath and wrapped his arms around himself. “I know, I’m sorry…” He sniffled again. “I just don’t want my sons risking their lives this young. I can’t lose them, not now. Not when they have so much more to experience.”

“Lo siento…”

Everyone heads snapped to the bed. Rafael was awake, his head turned toward the conversation and unshed tears brimming at his eyes.

“Rafe!” Magnus and Alec were at his side in an instant, Catarina close behind. The two men pulled their son into a tight but gentle hug, both afraid something would happen if either let go. Alec could feel both warlocks’ magic washing over Rafe.

“Thank the Angel.” Alec said in a tight whisper.

“We were so scared, Hijo.” Magnus mumbled.

“Are you in any pain, Rafael?” Catarina asked, still checking over him with her magic.

“Estoy bien.” Rafe said quietly. “Dolor-” He cleared his throat and tried again. “Jus' a li'l sore.”

“That’s to be expected.” Cat explained, finishing scanning him over. “Your body temperature was extremely low, and because we had to regulate it back up to normal, your body is still recovering. You also had some cracked ribs from Jace performing CPR, so those were healed as well.”

Rafe barely nodded.

Alec moved and gently lifted his son’s chin to look him in the eye. “Rafe-”

“I’m sorry.” Rafael blurted, the tears threatening to return. “I know we were supposed to stay at the loft, but you and Papa and the others had been gone for awhile and we were starting to get worried. It was me who wanted to leave, Max tried to stop me but I kept insisti-” Rafe cut himself short. He sucked in a harsh breath and his eyes went wide in realization. “Oh dios mío, Max!” he cried, his breath suddenly coming out in short gasps. He grabbed Alec’s arms and let out a frenzy of Spanish sentences Alec couldn’t keep up with, but he knew somewhere in there Rafe was probably asking if Max was okay and if he was hurt or not.

“Rafael, Rafael!” Magnus intervened, turning his son to face him and rubbing his hands up and down his arms. “Mijo, calm down. Max came back with us, he’s—” Magnus trailed off and looked up at Alec, silently asking for help. Alec’s eyes went wide. Neither of them had checked up on Max.

“I had to drag Max through the portal.” Izzy explained. “I don’t think he was entirely grounded mentally. I’m pretty sure he didn’t register the burns he had. I grabbed my stele because I knew iratzes would work on him, but when I grabbed his arm he yanked it back and ran up to his room and slammed the door behind him. I heard him lock it and I was going to go after him but that’s when everyone else came through the portal.”

“¿Qu-quemaduras?” Rafe asked. “¿Que pasó?” Without thinking, he pushed his fathers aside and jumped off the bed. As soon as his feet hit the floor, however, his legs crumpled under him. Alec and Magnus caught him by the arms before he could hit the floor. 

“Rafe, hey, easy now. Take it slow.” Alec instructed, helping his son stand up. He turned his head to his sister. “Has Max come out of his room since?”

Izzy shook her head. A heavy pit formed in Alec’s stomach.  _ Angel, he’s probably blaming himself. _ he thought, swallowing.

“I-I need to see him.” Rafe stammered, steadying himself in his fathers’ hold. “I need to make sure he’s okay, I need to help him, I-”

“Okay, Rafe, it’s okay.” Magnus shushed gently. “Can you walk on your own?” Rafael hesitantly let go, keeping his arms near the two men just in case. Everyone backed up and Rafe took a few unsteady steps forward. He looked back at Magnus and nodded. “Okay, come on, we’ll go talk to him.”

“Uh, easier said than done.” Simon interrupted. Everyone looked to see him and Clary poking through the doorway somewhat unsurely.

“What do you mean?” Jace asked.

“We tried knocking on his door, but he didn’t answer us.” said Clary. “So then I told him I was coming in, but I couldn’t get the door open. Simon tried, but even with his vampire strength the door wouldn’t budge. I think he magicked it shut or something.”

Alec went to say something, but Rafe was already pushing his aunt and uncle out of the way of the door. Everyone hurried after him as he practically bolted up the stairs, almost tripping on the way up.

Rafe rushed down the hall and grabbed the door handle, which turned on his command, but the door itself wouldn’t budge. He paused for a moment, hesitating before speaking. “Max?” he called, his voice still slightly hoarse from lack of use. “It’s me. Can I come in?”

No response.

Alec saw Rafe furrow his brows. He knocked again. “Max? Please let me in.”

No response.

“Magnus,” Alec said, turning to his husband who stood next to him. “do you think you can take down whatever magic Max put up?”

Magnus thought for a moment. “I’m not sure, but I can try.” He stepped forward and ushered his son out of the way. He raised a glowing hand and ran it over the door, scanning it. He then closed his eyes and moved his arms in a graceful swirl, magic flowing from his hands and trailing behind wherever they went. His fingers danced in a complex yet elegant matter that Alec was hopelessly intrigued by. Before he was too far gone, however, Magnus made a sudden backwards jerk with his hands. He stayed frozen in that pose, waiting in anticipation. A few seconds passed before everyone sensed the magic around the door sputter and sizzle away.

Rafe cut in front of his father and grabbed the door handle again. “Max, I’m- _ we’re _ coming in.” Slowly, he turned the door handle and peaked in the room. Alec and Magnus were first behind him with everyone else unsurely waiting in the hall. The room was pitch black except for the light that was now coming in from the door. Frowning, Alec reached over for the light switch, but Magnus was faster and snapped his fingers, turning the bedside table lamp on. Everything was where it should be, or better said, how it was left before. The bunk beds were messily made like normal, the dressers were cracked with items shoved in drawers various clothes and items laid scattered about the room, and the desk was still standing upright against the wall. Everything was there.

Except Max.

Alec felt his stomach plumet. He stepped further into the room, turning in circles and scrutinizing the room. “ _ Max _ ?” he called out, even though it was clear to see he wasn’t in the vacant room. He dashed to the top bunk and pulled the covers, while Magnus did the same on the bottom bunk. Rafe ran and yanked open the closet, only to find nothing but clothes and shoes.

“He must’ve portaled out.” Magnus said, worry etched into his voice. 

“Where would he have gone?” Clary asked. Alec didn’t remember the rest of them piling into the room.

“I don’t know, he doesn’t normally portal out!” Alec said, his breath quickening.

“Well we need to find him. He shouldn’t be out in the middle of winter on his own, especially with what just happened.” Jace supplied.

Magnus quickly scanned the bedroom floor then snatched up one of Max’s shirts. “I’ll try tracking him.” He enclosed the shirt in his fists. He shut his eyes and tendrils of magic enveloped the clothing item. What was probably only a few moments seemed like hours to Alec. He watched as his husband’s eyebrows furrowed deeper and deeper. His eyes snapped open. “I’m hitting a blocking spell.” he said, panic clear in his voice.

“Why would there be a blocking spell?” Alec demanded.

“His phone’s going straight to voicemail.” Izzy said, her phone up to her ear.

“Um, guys?” Simon said from behind everyone else. They all turned to him in a swift motion. He visibly gulped. “Where’s Rafael?”

An eerie silence exploded within the room. Rafe had disappeared.

Not even half a second passed before Alec shoved everyone out of the way and burst into the hall. “Rafael?!” he yelled through the loft. Not a moment later, the sound of a portal being made echoed from downstairs.

And Alec’s heart dropped.

He practically  _ dove _ down the stairs, skipping three to four steps at a time and nearly colliding with the floor. He sharply rounded the corner of the stairwell railing only to stop himself short in a few steps. Alec’s horror-filled eyes watched as the remnants of a portal faded from the air as fresh portal shards were still clattering from where they’d hit the ground. 

Fear and panic gripped every inch of Alec’s entire being. He almost lost one son. The other was missing.

And now both were gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I say anything, yes, you read right, Alec and Magnus almost lost Max at one point. That will be addressed in the next chapter.
> 
> Hey! So... sorry it took so long to upload this. School started, schedule became very busy, mental health issues happened, etc. I know I promised to upload quicker, I'm so sorry! I swear I'm going to try to write this next chapter quicker. It'll be the last one! I think. It should be. I'm also sorry if this chapter doesn't seem as well written as others have been. I probably could have done better.  
> Thanks to everyone for reading!
> 
> Spanish translations (again, they're from Google Translate, so sorry if anything's incorrect):  
> Lo siento: I'm sorry  
> Estoy bien: I'm fine  
> Hijo/Mijo: Son  
> Dolorido: Sore (he cut himself off in the middle of saying it)  
> Oh Dios mío: Oh my god  
> Quemaduras: Burns  
> Que pasó: What happened


End file.
